three; so i didn't

i didn't want to miss today. i didn't want to fail again. and this was the best i could do. i'm sorry, i am very sorry.

there was a shotgun and a bullet and they tunneled together –

clutching their dirty bodies together in a tantrum storm.

i watched the blood spread like fingers of a fist across my chest.

it was a lifetime of oh god I’m so sorry please don’t.

so i didn’t.

i felt words pull my flesh from my ligaments,

and i squashed like overdone legumes,

and i crumpled into a pile of once-was has-beens.

i felt my world tear, i felt realities separating,

like sand through glass.

so i didn't.

i was the calm of the ocean at midnight.

i was the silence of darkness and

i was the stillness of new born death.

i settled like dust, over every orifice of desk-space and book-shelf and camcorder.

i settled in your lungs and i tried, with all my might.

to trick you, just once more,

just for one more minute.